Insight of a Troubled Mind

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2009-08-31T05:29:04Z

I'm pretty sure I'm a shit sister. I want to cry for my brother with everything that I am because I know he really loved her, and I wish I could love someone like that. I cant sleep, or more likely I'm a fucking chaotic emotional wreak waiting to happen. Every night I lay and question the reasons for why I am even alive. I am not as emo as I once was, but I am pretty close. I ponder suicide basically every night and I'm pretty sure thats not a good thing. I want to feel like i belong cuz right now I feel like I'm a little out of time with the rest of humanity. I guess I just live in my own little world in my head. i love cigarettes so much because it takes the stress off of me, though for only a short while. I wish i could be normal for one day in my life and not feel as though i;m a waste of space. It's like all I'm living for is to die, and thats the only thing I am looking forward to. I know someday I'm going to meet someone who gives me a fucking reason. God.. I fucking miss Michael. So much. It's killing me. He really really got me in a way that no one else can. I miss knowing that no matter where I am that someone truely loves me with their whole heart. I feel like I'm waiting for life to happen and I know I have to jump in somewhere... I just can't find the door.

Fuck.

blackmoon16 @ 2009-08-08T02:06:00

2009-08-08T07:07:05Z

help me.

NMTS

2009-08-07T03:21:30Z

Blake surprises me daily. He says he loves me and I actually believe him. I have never met someone so devoted to my happiness and yet still tries to make me a better person. I was straight up with him and told him we werent dating considering im going to college, and he was actually fine with it. He doesnt think with his dick. Thats rare. I wish I could give him the happiness he deserves but I know I cant. At least not until I can heal. Michael destroyed every loving part of me.

My turn.

2009-08-02T00:04:49Z

I suppose this is a long awaited note, but i havent found the words or the courage to write it until i was without service or communication of anykind in the middle of fucking Arkansas. I realized a few things while I was gone, mainly this:

You are the foundation that I stand on. I can never be without you, because I will thus free fall through life. It's sad. I'm not afraid to say it that I have loved you for a long time, and I know you know it. At times you are the air I breathe and beating of my heart, and at others you are the blood that flows from my arm and the tears that I cry. I can hate you at times, just as much as I love you. But when i am overtaken with these enraged thoughts at you, please know that it is not your fault. I am angry at what we've become. I'm not gonna lie, you make a shit best friend, and sometimes I wonder why I hang around. I think what it is, is reflecting on what we were. There was a time before I loved you, and before you had even the idea of wanting to date me that you were the best friend I ever had. You'd do anything for me and vice versa. I wonder mostly where that has gone, but I think its our trust issues. We can't trust each other anymore, and that lack of trust is tearing us farther and farther apart. I would do anything to erase our hurtful memories and keep the moment where we laughed and enjoyed each other. It was beautiful in Arkansas. I thought of you for awhile when I laid under the stars. It would have taken your breath away, I have never seen them so clear. I know that you don't things seriously very often, but I beg that you take me seriously. I know what you are capable of and the love that you feel and want. I see it in you, and I know that in this moment it is not for me. I have given up my life three times for you and I, but we still haven't had our opportunity together. I did this willingly, because I would give up nearly anything for you, but you always seem too afraid to take a step forwards. I've waited a long time for us to find our place together, and I will probably wait until you find someone you love. I know that the someone will probably never be me. And as you have so graciously said, Do not take this as a 'I am so much in love with you' letter, because it is not. I love you, but I am not in love with you. There is a huge difference. As i have said before... Whether you be my lover, or my brother I will be blessed either way. Just do not forget me, for without you I crumble.

The Answer is not 42. At least not this Time.

2009-07-07T07:20:29Z

Apathy.
It is what possesses me.
I do not care,
and i do not dare,
To question this immortality,
A need to be,
Or to find me,
I lost the meaning of life.

Teach me.
What it means to live.

Always.

2009-05-25T03:32:02Z

I havent really posted in awhile... I guess I really havent had a reason to.
I suppose I still don't but i miss you.
Always have, and always will.
Its basically a never ending need to fill, but its not possible.
Everytime I sleep, you are there.
It's usually bad.
Very bad.
I wake up screaming.
And I'm afraid to sleep.
But yet you are a comfort even when Im screaming and crying.
When you look at me, I see that it's still there.
And i still feel you in me.
And I wake up and look for you every morning.
Its burning.
And wont stop.
I wait for you everynight, but I know youre brother is home, and I am not important at the moment.
But I know you will get on AIM sometime.
I'm scared of hurting you, and getting hurt again.
I guess thats all i want to say.
i dont even think you read this.
I hope we hang out soon.
I need you.
Always.

Over

2009-05-14T03:05:32Z

My high school career is over.
I realize now that in this moment, as I sit and type this out on my bed, nothing will ever be the same.
I have changed from my first day of high school.
And I am blessed to have the friends that I do.
I wonder if I will ever love anyone else as much as I love the people I associate my life with.
I wonder if they will be there after this.

Past Loves

2009-05-09T05:32:24Z

Lies run thick when love is involved,
You claim to feel what has not evolved,
And in the spur of the moment,
I follow after your movement,
Up the stairs, you claim "Behold the end!"
I looked out upon nothing but bitter sin,
The abyss that stood so far below,
Climbed up to reach us,
"Fear not. They will not hear you bellow."
I screamed and I screamed out my lungs,
You laughed at me, "This is so much fun!"
Hands of my past grabbed on tight,
They pulled me away, I could not fight,
You waved and asked "Where do you go?"
I cried back, "I do not know! To the great below?"
And as I tumbled down, I watched you forget,
You held her close and it made me sick,
She turned and with the last of my sight,
Winked and grabbed you to begin the night,
As my journey came to an end,
I realized I was the epitome of sin,
We claim to love but fear to begin,
And when left alone we let anything in,
As I hit the dreaded ground,
I heard the screaming all around,
The cries of hearts that I had broke,
The misery that I needed to evoke,
The Beings of Misery pushed me down,
Laughing, "Please don't make a sound--
We promised ourselves to not do harm,
But now that you're here we can't see past the charm."
And as they started to eat me whole,
All my past Loves ripped apart my soul.

Dreams

2009-05-04T03:07:53Z

Can I still believe in dreams?
When all my stars have fallen,
They drop down beneath the seams,
To places I shall not, cannot tread

In the absence of their light,
The darkness seems to grow,
What are stars without the night?
They sparkle in the abyss below

But should I sit and wait here?
While my dreams burn out,
Should I fill the spaces their--
beauty left behind?

:/

2009-05-03T20:19:38Z

I dreamed of you.

Yes

2009-04-30T20:49:10Z

This is for you, Aaron
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eH2OkPf4rMI

Vulnerable

2009-04-27T02:35:47Z

Tonight is the perfect night to sleep in my secret spot.
I'm waiting for the right time, and the right person to go there.
It is amazing.
And when it happens, I will know.
I want to take someone who would appreciate it, but sadly Aaron I think you would be the only one who could.
mmm...

Oh well.
I'll be there someday.

Tell me, Tell me
What makes you think you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
Please don't tell me I'm the only one who's vulnerable
Impossible

Heh.

2009-04-26T04:06:58Z

I'm scared of moving forwards,
I'm terrified of you,
I'm scared of moving backwards,
Cuz' you know what's due,
I sit, stare, and wonder,
When you feel my time is up,
I scream, cry, and blunder,
Don't say this wasn't love,
I've always touched you gently,
Did I ever make you fear?
Now you just resent me,
But were you ever really there?
Every time I see you,
I die a little more inside,
And every time I hear you,
You find ways to make me cry,
You were the thing I always wanted,
A boy with unending charm,
But you were always tainted,
And brought me only harm,
Yet, I try to move on without you,
Alone at last, and dead,
I forgot the way you whispered,
"Here, let me shoot you through the head."

Bang.

Bang.

o.O

2009-04-25T02:21:41Z

It must be spring cuz two of my semi-friends are pregnant O.o

Over and Over

2009-04-21T02:28:43Z

I feel it everyday it's all the same
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame
I've tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to

It feels like everyday stays the same
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to

4/20

2009-04-20T19:43:09Z

I took a needle and shot you down,
Silent, my dear, don’t make a sound,
You have no need to frown,
Cuz’ I’ve seen you around,
I saw the things you tried to hide,
Don’t pretend you didn’t lie,
Saying you would always be at my side,
Was her taste a poison to make you die?
Let me ask where I went wrong?
I devoted to you all of my strength,
But I suppose I wasn’t strong,
Because you left me here to waste,
The whore that tasted your flesh,
Let her mark in the sores that you infest,
I can say they are grotesque,
What virginity do you have left?

Time turns good love to good bye.

2009-04-19T02:11:28Z

I go through life with something missing.
I cant even explain it in words, and I hate that I cant remember anything.
The things I do blur together.
I am here, and I am not.
I am not with emotion.
I feel like shit.
The end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T90rkdqfIFs

Can I find the pieces?
I dont think I can.
They are with you.

Meaning?

2009-04-16T02:46:30Z

Serenity has no hold on me,
Love is an unreachable cause,
Integrity from sea to sea,
Faith has faltered in pause,
Distance has no meaning,
Fear causes painful healing,
Hate can hear you breathing,
Whats left?
Except hope listens to you weeping.

Secrets

2009-04-13T19:49:10Z

Silver chains and bright green eyes,
A word to whisper secret lies,
Love unto love which I despise,
Alone at last unto which I’ll die,
My troubled past is a word of rage,
Pushed far beyond my young age,
I withered with you to this day,
I hope you know that I’m here to stay,
The nails in my arm are part of you,
My pain is unto which you drew,
But you’d never understand what I have due,
But still all my thoughts consist of you,
Love is nothing but a loaded gun,
Aim, trigger, and mark your fun,
No, my dear, this is not a pun,
Screaming, never stop until you’re done,
I ran my fingers up your skin,
You shuddered, fear deep within,
Kiss and taste the sweetest sin,
I have caused the fall of men,
So dearest love, take my hand,
I am shattered in this demand,
You have me, cuz’ you are real,
So my love, kiss me until I feel.

eh

2009-04-13T02:09:17Z

*Boom*

There goes my heart.

happy.

2009-04-12T02:10:28Z

I spent the night with nate for his birthday.
it was amazing.
More than amazing.

Love

2009-04-11T03:26:33Z

You fill the pieces that were never there,
Broken promises and lusting flare,
I am always lost in the way you stare,
And when I sit without you here,
I feel empty in the silence and fear,
I place my hand on my chest,
It feels broken while you are at rest,
You smile and I melt far away,
You dont know that I miss you day by day,
When you leave I cant convince you to stay,
Because I cant always find the words to say,
And I stress and want you here with me,
But you do want to be anything but free,
I still see all we could ever be,
I'm not sure if I could ever make you see,
So I picked a flower and smiled for you,
I will always dream of the times we flew,
Away and away from the lives we slew,
Love is another cycle of our endless part,
I wish you could see what lies in my heart,
You stole me away right from the start,
I wait for you just for my sake,
Cuz without your voice i would break,
So please take my heart into your hands,
I've been waiting for you and this chance,
Please, dont make me just a second glance.

Poems.

2009-04-10T22:57:22Z

Lust

Your voice is like fire,
Licking up my spine,
Your passion is desire,
Begging me to spend some time,
Red and blue flame,
The colors of fire and ice,
Am i the one to blame?
Cuz this feeling is just too nice,
But this time you will burn,
Alone and hot to the touch,
Maybe this time you will learn,
Just what it means to fuck.

I tried to write a poem about love, but I cant think of what it is.

heh.

2009-04-08T19:28:32Z

TOday has been a piece of shit.
I feel like you kinda rejected me Aaron.
You say you care but you refuse to show it.
It makes me feel like shit.
I dont want to play games.
If you care about me, you care about me.
I'm a bitch today.
Tired as shit.
And fucking pissed.
I'm glad there is art club.
BUt men are killing me.
MIchael, You, Blake...
It's all going down hill from here.

Me + You

2009-03-27T01:28:14Z

I havent posted in a few days, and I guess I dont really have much to say...
But I'll try anyways.

The ice cracks beneath my feet,
I'm falling farther into sleep,
The bridge between reality,
And conscious breaks free,
Now I'm drifting inbetween,
Lost in memories of the dreams,
Of you and me,
Always you and me.

I walk the halls of hell,
Classes and signaling bells,
Teachers lecture of the past,
You see me but it doesnt last,
I am trying to follow in your steps,
But you weave a maze of concepts,
And I get lost in the misperception,
Of you and me,
Always you and me.

I remember you taking my hand,
You led me away from the damned,
But now i am all alone,
You say I cannot condone?
But my heart is filled all the way,
Of the love I've felt every day,
And you get lost in the heartbeat,
Of you and me,
Always you and me.

Now thousands of miles apart,
But still feel my beating heart,
You forget that time isnt distance,
But you always held that pretense,
I am in agony with you here,
You put the fear into my despair,
But I am always with you,
Just me and you,
Always me and you.