I'm pretty sure I'm a shit sister. I want to cry for my brother with everything that I am because I know he really loved her, and I wish I could love someone like that. I cant sleep, or more likely I'm a fucking chaotic emotional wreak waiting to happen. Every night I lay and question the reasons for why I am even alive. I am not as emo as I once was, but I am pretty close. I ponder suicide basically every night and I'm pretty sure thats not a good thing. I want to feel like i belong cuz right now I feel like I'm a little out of time with the rest of humanity. I guess I just live in my own little world in my head. i love cigarettes so much because it takes the stress off of me, though for only a short while. I wish i could be normal for one day in my life and not feel as though i;m a waste of space. It's like all I'm living for is to die, and thats the only thing I am looking forward to. I know someday I'm going to meet someone who gives me a fucking reason. God.. I fucking miss Michael. So much. It's killing me. He really really got me in a way that no one else can. I miss knowing that no matter where I am that someone truely loves me with their whole heart. I feel like I'm waiting for life to happen and I know I have to jump in somewhere... I just can't find the door.


Fuck.

help me.

Blake surprises me daily. He says he loves me and I actually believe him. I have never met someone so devoted to my happiness and yet still tries to make me a better person. I was straight up with him and told him we werent dating considering im going to college, and he was actually fine with it. He doesnt think with his dick. Thats rare. I wish I could give him the happiness he deserves but I know I cant. At least not until I can heal. Michael destroyed every loving part of me.

I suppose this is a long awaited note, but i havent found the words or the courage to write it until i was without service or communication of anykind in the middle of fucking Arkansas. I realized a few things while I was gone, mainly this:

You are the foundation that I stand on. I can never be without you, because I will thus free fall through life. It's sad. I'm not afraid to say it that I have loved you for a long time, and I know you know it. At times you are the air I breathe and beating of my heart, and at others you are the blood that flows from my arm and the tears that I cry. I can hate you at times, just as much as I love you. But when i am overtaken with these enraged thoughts at you, please know that it is not your fault. I am angry at what we've become. I'm not gonna lie, you make a shit best friend, and sometimes I wonder why I hang around. I think what it is, is reflecting on what we were. There was a time before I loved you, and before you had even the idea of wanting to date me that you were the best friend I ever had. You'd do anything for me and vice versa. I wonder mostly where that has gone, but I think its our trust issues. We can't trust each other anymore, and that lack of trust is tearing us farther and farther apart. I would do anything to erase our hurtful memories and keep the moment where we laughed and enjoyed each other. It was beautiful in Arkansas. I thought of you for awhile when I laid under the stars. It would have taken your breath away, I have never seen them so clear. I know that you don't things seriously very often, but I beg that you take me seriously. I know what you are capable of and the love that you feel and want. I see it in you, and I know that in this moment it is not for me. I have given up my life three times for you and I, but we still haven't had our opportunity together. I did this willingly, because I would give up nearly anything for you, but you always seem too afraid to take a step forwards. I've waited a long time for us to find our place together, and I will probably wait until you find someone you love. I know that the someone will probably never be me. And as you have so graciously said, Do not take this as a 'I am so much in love with you' letter, because it is not. I love you, but I am not in love with you. There is a huge difference. As i have said before... Whether you be my lover, or my brother I will be blessed either way. Just do not forget me, for without you I crumble.

Apathy.
It is what possesses me.
I do not care,
and i do not dare,
To question this immortality,
A need to be,
Or to find me,
I lost the meaning of life.

Teach me.
What it means to live.

I havent really posted in awhile... I guess I really havent had a reason to.
I suppose I still don't but i miss you.
Always have, and always will.
Its basically a never ending need to fill, but its not possible.
Everytime I sleep, you are there.
It's usually bad.
Very bad.
I wake up screaming.
And I'm afraid to sleep.
But yet you are a comfort even when Im screaming and crying.
When you look at me, I see that it's still there.
And i still feel you in me.
And I wake up and look for you every morning.
Its burning.
And wont stop.
I wait for you everynight, but I know youre brother is home, and I am not important at the moment.
But I know you will get on AIM sometime.
I'm scared of hurting you, and getting hurt again.
I guess thats all i want to say.
i dont even think you read this.
I hope we hang out soon.
I need you.
Always.

My high school career is over.
I realize now that in this moment, as I sit and type this out on my bed, nothing will ever be the same.
I have changed from my first day of high school.
And I am blessed to have the friends that I do.
I wonder if I will ever love anyone else as much as I love the people I associate my life with.
I wonder if they will be there after this.

Lies run thick when love is involved,
You claim to feel what has not evolved,
And in the spur of the moment,
I follow after your movement,
Up the stairs, you claim "Behold the end!"
I looked out upon nothing but bitter sin,
The abyss that stood so far below,
Climbed up to reach us,
"Fear not. They will not hear you bellow."
I screamed and I screamed out my lungs,
You laughed at me, "This is so much fun!"
Hands of my past grabbed on tight,
They pulled me away, I could not fight,
You waved and asked "Where do you go?"
I cried back, "I do not know! To the great below?"
And as I tumbled down, I watched you forget,
You held her close and it made me sick,
She turned and with the last of my sight,
Winked and grabbed you to begin the night,
As my journey came to an end,
I realized I was the epitome of sin,
We claim to love but fear to begin,
And when left alone we let anything in,
As I hit the dreaded ground,
I heard the screaming all around,
The cries of hearts that I had broke,
The misery that I needed to evoke,
The Beings of Misery pushed me down,
Laughing, "Please don't make a sound--
We promised ourselves to not do harm,
But now that you're here we can't see past the charm."
And as they started to eat me whole,
All my past Loves ripped apart my soul.

Can I still believe in dreams?
When all my stars have fallen,
They drop down beneath the seams,
To places I shall not, cannot tread

In the absence of their light,
The darkness seems to grow,
What are stars without the night?
They sparkle in the abyss below

But should I sit and wait here?
While my dreams burn out,
Should I fill the spaces their--
beauty left behind?

I dreamed of you.

This is for you, Aaron
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eH2OkPf4rMI

Tonight is the perfect night to sleep in my secret spot.
I'm waiting for the right time, and the right person to go there.
It is amazing.
And when it happens, I will know.
I want to take someone who would appreciate it, but sadly Aaron I think you would be the only one who could.
mmm...

Oh well.
I'll be there someday.


Tell me, Tell me
What makes you think you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
Please don't tell me I'm the only one who's vulnerable
Impossible

I'm scared of moving forwards,
I'm terrified of you,
I'm scared of moving backwards,
Cuz' you know what's due,
I sit, stare, and wonder,
When you feel my time is up,
I scream, cry, and blunder,
Don't say this wasn't love,
I've always touched you gently,
Did I ever make you fear?
Now you just resent me,
But were you ever really there?
Every time I see you,
I die a little more inside,
And every time I hear you,
You find ways to make me cry,
You were the thing I always wanted,
A boy with unending charm,
But you were always tainted,
And brought me only harm,
Yet, I try to move on without you,
Alone at last, and dead,
I forgot the way you whispered,
"Here, let me shoot you through the head."

Bang.


Bang.

It must be spring cuz two of my semi-friends are pregnant O.o

I feel it everyday it's all the same
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame
I've tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to

It feels like everyday stays the same
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to

I took a needle and shot you down,
Silent, my dear, don’t make a sound,
You have no need to frown,
Cuz’ I’ve seen you around,
I saw the things you tried to hide,
Don’t pretend you didn’t lie,
Saying you would always be at my side,
Was her taste a poison to make you die?
Let me ask where I went wrong?
I devoted to you all of my strength,
But I suppose I wasn’t strong,
Because you left me here to waste,
The whore that tasted your flesh,
Let her mark in the sores that you infest,
I can say they are grotesque,
What virginity do you have left?

I go through life with something missing.
I cant even explain it in words, and I hate that I cant remember anything.
The things I do blur together.
I am here, and I am not.
I am not with emotion.
I feel like shit.
The end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T90rkdqfIFs


Can I find the pieces?
I dont think I can.
They are with you.

Serenity has no hold on me,
Love is an unreachable cause,
Integrity from sea to sea,
Faith has faltered in pause,
Distance has no meaning,
Fear causes painful healing,
Hate can hear you breathing,
Whats left?
Except hope listens to you weeping.

Silver chains and bright green eyes,
A word to whisper secret lies,
Love unto love which I despise,
Alone at last unto which I’ll die,
My troubled past is a word of rage,
Pushed far beyond my young age,
I withered with you to this day,
I hope you know that I’m here to stay,
The nails in my arm are part of you,
My pain is unto which you drew,
But you’d never understand what I have due,
But still all my thoughts consist of you,
Love is nothing but a loaded gun,
Aim, trigger, and mark your fun,
No, my dear, this is not a pun,
Screaming, never stop until you’re done,
I ran my fingers up your skin,
You shuddered, fear deep within,
Kiss and taste the sweetest sin,
I have caused the fall of men,
So dearest love, take my hand,
I am shattered in this demand,
You have me, cuz’ you are real,
So my love, kiss me until I feel.

*Boom*


There goes my heart.

I spent the night with nate for his birthday.
it was amazing.
More than amazing.

You fill the pieces that were never there,
Broken promises and lusting flare,
I am always lost in the way you stare,
And when I sit without you here,
I feel empty in the silence and fear,
I place my hand on my chest,
It feels broken while you are at rest,
You smile and I melt far away,
You dont know that I miss you day by day,
When you leave I cant convince you to stay,
Because I cant always find the words to say,
And I stress and want you here with me,
But you do want to be anything but free,
I still see all we could ever be,
I'm not sure if I could ever make you see,
So I picked a flower and smiled for you,
I will always dream of the times we flew,
Away and away from the lives we slew,
Love is another cycle of our endless part,
I wish you could see what lies in my heart,
You stole me away right from the start,
I wait for you just for my sake,
Cuz without your voice i would break,
So please take my heart into your hands,
I've been waiting for you and this chance,
Please, dont make me just a second glance.

Lust

Your voice is like fire,
Licking up my spine,
Your passion is desire,
Begging me to spend some time,
Red and blue flame,
The colors of fire and ice,
Am i the one to blame?
Cuz this feeling is just too nice,
But this time you will burn,
Alone and hot to the touch,
Maybe this time you will learn,
Just what it means to fuck.

I tried to write a poem about love, but I cant think of what it is.

TOday has been a piece of shit.
I feel like you kinda rejected me Aaron.
You say you care but you refuse to show it.
It makes me feel like shit.
I dont want to play games.
If you care about me, you care about me.
I'm a bitch today.
Tired as shit.
And fucking pissed.
I'm glad there is art club.
BUt men are killing me.
MIchael, You, Blake...
It's all going down hill from here.

I havent posted in a few days, and I guess I dont really have much to say...
But I'll try anyways.

The ice cracks beneath my feet,
I'm falling farther into sleep,
The bridge between reality,
And conscious breaks free,
Now I'm drifting inbetween,
Lost in memories of the dreams,
Of you and me,
Always you and me.

I walk the halls of hell,
Classes and signaling bells,
Teachers lecture of the past,
You see me but it doesnt last,
I am trying to follow in your steps,
But you weave a maze of concepts,
And I get lost in the misperception,
Of you and me,
Always you and me.

I remember you taking my hand,
You led me away from the damned,
But now i am all alone,
You say I cannot condone?
But my heart is filled all the way,
Of the love I've felt every day,
And you get lost in the heartbeat,
Of you and me,
Always you and me.

Now thousands of miles apart,
But still feel my beating heart,
You forget that time isnt distance,
But you always held that pretense,
I am in agony with you here,
You put the fear into my despair,
But I am always with you,
Just me and you,
Always me and you.

I cried so much last night that I can hardly open my eyes.
I tried calling Aaron, I didnt know what I was going to say, but it didnt matter because he didnt bother to answer.
I guess I understand how Aaron feels now considering Michael basically did the same thing to me.
Aye.
God damn.
I suppose its too late to say I'm sorry to him. I know what it feels like now, and I never really understood before... but my insides are ripping to pieces.
I do not want anything even slightly resembling love in my life. I am so sick of it... I just want to fuck. I suppose I dont really care who. And I'm not really sure if I want to anyways. I just want everything to disappear. I want things to be good with Aaron again not because of lust because I need my best friend back. But I know I'm not going to get that.
I feel like there is cotton shoved up my head.

I went to the UHS olympics tonight.
It was fun, I mostly went to cheer on Blake for guitar hero (I guess thats blasphemy)
Blake smashed all of his competition and the juniors even gave him a trophy. I brought him cupcakes, lol.
Things are not improving.
I can distract myself with being busy, but as soon as I'm alone in my empty room I am crippled with pain.
I pray someone gets on AIM soon or i'm going to go insane.
The hurt I am feeling is intolerable.
Michael told me last night that hes tried dating other people.
What an ass hole.
But I suppose this is all karma for what a slut I am, and what I did with Aaron.
I disgust myself.
I'm going through withdraw on the affection standards.
I wish I had arms to hold me.
Sad thing is I doubt anyone would want to.
I suppose I am disgusting.
That doesnt surprise me, I feel like that everyday.
I wish I could peel back the layers of sex, dirt, deceit, and fear to just show people my core.
I'm not as bad as everyone thinks.
Tonight I was insane.
I was jumping everywhere.
I was screaming random ass shit, and I stood on top of my car.
I guess I'm losing all of my wits.

Do you understand why I can’t breathe?
And if you do, will you explain it to me?
I am standing here trying to convince,
That I am not evil, this can’t be consequence,
The way we moved, we breathed as one,
And left alone my world has come undone,
Let me ask if it’s me you see?
Or the monster you created me to be?
Keep watching as I take away my mask,
The angel you grew to love still has a task,
She whispers words at night into your ear,
Wishing, oh wishing, that you would be here,
But you pushed her away after one mistake,
Whoever said perfection was just trying to fake,
Angel sometimes must fall as well,
But you, my dear, pushed until I fell,
I suppose the only way to give reason to you,
Is that I had to find reason and so I withdrew,
I never left you standing alone in the rain,
I was there all along embracing your pain,
And if you feel so empty tonight,
It’s because I’m fighting for your every right,
I look at you and instead of fear,
I feel my reason start to appear,
I was a fool for leaving to find,
The one thing that was with me the whole time,
And it’s too late to realize this now,
But love is the lust, unto which I bow,
And so I watch you as you walk away,
I know that you hate me in every possible way,
I am the demon, the blood of disgust,
Because I was the reason for all of your lust,
You say that I’m worthless and a waste of time,
But you refused to see that you will always be mine,
No matter how far you decide to leave,
You are part of the life I weave,
And because of the day I took your soul,
The day we kissed until satisfaction was full,
I will always have a place in your heart,
Love frail entity always needs a place to start,
And though you watched as I fell away,
And hate now as I beg for you to stay,
But, my love, I just can’t let you deceive,
Because I know you really don’t want me to leave,
I still feel your heart beating miles from here,
Its moving in time with mine as you always feared,
Now that you tasted you cannot escape,
Because baby our love has got to be fate.

I am tainted in solitude.
It is not my usual place to be.
This is not a comfortable silence.
I went to school crying this morning, and left nearly the same way.
I watched my life shatter into pieces last night.
Aaron was right to say that eventually I will be left with nothing.
And I am.
The will to cut is even gone because I deserve this pain.
I do not deserve to release it.
I will suffer.
But maybe I will take Emma's idea and get drunk.
Or stoned.
Maybe I'll just let go of all my morals.
Because it obviously hasnt made a difference so far.
My personality is what makes people hate me.
They cannot take who i am as a person.
I suppose I'm going to be alone like this for the rest of my life.
I dont know if I want to get close to someone, because them leaving hurts so bad.
Today when I drove I almost wreaked my car on purpose.
It would have been easy.
But I might wait awhile.
Until everyone forgets about me.
It wont be as painful for the ones left behind.

I am sitting in the dark again.
Tears.
I do not have anything left.
Michael refuses to understand or to help me.
I am alone in this mess.
He's moved on.
I guess that proves my stupidity even more.
I'm being black mailed.
Fuck my life.

I'm back.
From the Caribbean.
And this is going to be repetative.
But I missed Aaron like lungs need air.
God.
I'm such a pathetic like... *insert word*
I dreamed about him every night.
Every single one, and I couldnt get my mind off of him.
I wandered if he missed me too.
I even bought him a present.
But getting home there is absolutly nothing from him.
Zip.
And I wasted my vacation thinking about him.
I wasted my money on him.
Ive wasted my heart on him.
But I dont regret it.
Like I said I'm such a pathetic like....

Ill post about the cruise tomorrow.
Im exhusted.
ATL was a 7 hour lay over and i can hardly move.

Today is beautiful.
I was driving and Those Nights, by Skillet came on, and I almost drove to Rollingbrook.
:/
I have no self control when it comes to you.
I sit and stare at my phone wanting to call you.
But I figure you don't even want to talk to me online, let alone on a phone.
:(

Hmm..
I'm leaving tomorrow at 4 am.
I hope you get on AIM tonight.
But you probably won't.
I think you miss me at least a little bit.
I know i miss you a ton.
But my feelings dont really matter.

Heh.
I guess I'll see you in a week.

I am going on a cruise over spring break.
Scared shitless about it.
There are too many stories of girls my age disappearing.
Plus Im scared to death of flying.
And I am taking two planes there.
So... shit >.<
I have to work tonight.
And I really do not want to.
Fuck.

haha. .
I'll post one later too.
ps. my ears hurt like a bitch.

So these second posts always seem to be even more important than the first ones.
This one is gonna be emo.
And fucked up.

So I am sitting in my room crying my eyes out.
All I have done tonight was sleep, and then I woke up and waited until a reasonable time to go back to bed, and after i write this I probably will.
I am disposable.
Michael told me all this shit about how he never wanted to leave me and that this was the hardest thing he has ever had to do.
Well... he doesnt even want to see me anymore.
And he cannot shut up about how he cannot WAIT to get out of here.
Is he running from this town or from me?
I am sitting here wondering why i care.
But I am going crazy.
I feel as though no one gives a shit about me.
I look people in the eye but no one cares to look deep enough.
To fucking realize that I cry myself to sleep basically everynight.
I know I sound selfcentered and fucked up.
But I do not understand WHY I am like this.
I cannot help the things that go through my head.
I just want to know that someone cares
Cuz right now no one gives a shit.
Jenny is busy.
Michael cannot wait to get out of here.
Aaron I don't even know whats going on with us.
Jasmine just... dont even get me started.
Blake can listen but doenst know what to say.
and thats basically the end of my friends.
I am sitting here and praying for some kind of miracle.
Its happened before.
I was going to go down the street instead of across the street with my razor when Paul called me.
This was soph year.
He told me that he cared about me, and that I was important.
He did know I was considering suicide, or major damage.
But he saved my life.
I suppose the only reason I am not cutting is a fairly stupid one.
I am going on a cruise next week and if my mom sees it, then I am going to rehab.
She always looks.
I'll have to work hard to hide what scars I still have.

*insert miracle*
Yes I did get a phone call.
Weird how that works.

Today has been horrible.
Nothing bad has happened to me, I have just been really mad all day.
I do not know why.
Michael is making me want to strangle him.
He leaves Wed for good, and he didnt want to see me today.
And I work tomorrow.
So what the fuck is he doing?
I just want to smack him.
He keeps playing me.
Maybe I deserve it.
I dont really know or care.
i just dont give a shit anymore.
I'm always going to repel people.
I dont have the patience to deal with anyone.
Im prepared to kill people.
I came home and slept for 2 hours, and I still want to sleep.
Fuck me.

God, I wish I was anywhere else.
Here I fucking am posting again.
I should be in bed.
All I am doing is staring, staring.
Like the walls are really going to solve all of the confusion in my head.
I just got off the phone with Michael, and hes annoying the shit outta me.
Its always some one elses fault, never his.
I just wish he'd grow up and take his responsibility.
I'm so sick of cleaning up the mess he makes.
He may love me, but I am his god damn fucking mother.
Always taking care of him.
FUCK.
I've spent $700 plus dollars on him in the last year.
I know caring about someone is not about money.
But... I need to go to college.

My family is a piece of shit.
I get along okay with Logan, but if he has any friends over.
I am the butt of all their jokes.
They dont even care if I am there to listen.
Countless times I've spent crying in my room.
He's an ass if he can put me down like that.
Don't even get me started on my mother.
She's a bitch.
I go out, I'm considered lazy and useless.
I stay in my room, I'm considered depressed and suicidal/ on drugs.
I sit downstairs with them, I'm considered a liar, cuz she's decided I dont really want to be there.
I do the chores they ask, I didn't do them well enough.
Its gotten to the point that she sits and watchs every single thing I am doing.
if I make one wrong move, she starts screaming about how I am a disgrace.
That I will never make it on my own.
That I hate her.
I love my father.
But he doesnt love me.
I am an embarrasment.
The thing he leaves outta conversations.
He will not stick up for me when me and my mother fight, even though he knows she is wrong.
He is a coward.
I want to scream in their faces, "You see this? You see fucking this? This is ME. The daughter you promised to raise and love. And where is that love? Where is that nurturing nature? Can you really say that you have done your best to help me? Have you been there the nights I have cut? When I have cried? No, you fucking haven't. Once you came in and screamed at me to stop crying because I was too loud. This isn't a family. This is hell."
My mother finds each and every weakness, and uses it against me.
When she yells at me, and I get upset, she always get right up in my face and screams,
"So you gonna go cut yourself again? Is that what helps you?"
How can I trust that?
How can I love that?

So i was having a really sucky morning.
I woke up and decided I was too ugly to go to church, and so i just hopped in my car and drove around.
I picked up Jenny and we went to the mall.
I bought some stuff but the things I wanted were really expensive.
So we went to good will.
Yay.
When i got home my mom went balistic.
Cuz i did kinda just leave.
I left her a note though, but she was still really really pissed.
And so.
She screamed at me right in front of blake which pissed me off.
And then I had to clean my room and parts of the house.
And write a paper which isnt even due till the middle of the week
and do other homework.
and shit.
><
ans so i was pissy.
but then i decided to take a shower, and i washed my hair.
but I was cold.
So I decided to take a bath too.
I lit a shit load of candles
and discovered that my bath has jets in it.
I was pretty fucking excited.
I fell asleep, and woke up to like a foot of bubbles.
And then i started claping them, and bubbles went EVERYWHERE
I realized I was acting like a little kid
But i could not stop laughing.
and I enjoyed every second of it.
Now im happy.
haha.
:3

So another one today..
I guess im pretty much pathetic.
Considering posting in LiveJournal is basically the high light of my days.
And considering im writing to no one.
Except maybe Aaron, but I dont honestly know if he reads these.
So I have been oddly tired.
All fucking day.
I blame it on waking up at 8.
But I guess i just need a bit more sleep.
I'm lonely.
But I can deal with it.
I'd like to meet someone and talk to them all night.
because it seems that makes me happy.
Honestly I wish I would get online some night to check if you are actually there Aaron.
But you never are.
I wonder why I check?
But I still always do, everynight, before I go to sleep, just in case.
I guess habits are hard to break.
I need to grow up.
But Im struggling with the concept.
I wish other people would find a way to grow up.
Like seriously.
None of this matters.
Only your relationships with people do.
Years from now I dont wanna look back and be like, "Damn, I wish I had said something..."
And I dont want to regret being mad at Aaron.
So Im not.
Nope, not anymore.
Hm..
Id give anything to be laying on top of my car.
Wrapped in a blanket on a warm summer night.
Music softly playing from the stereos.
And to just fall asleep under the stars.
Its my wish.
And someday it will happen.
Whether I am alone,
or with someone special Im not sure.
I am always dying for love.
But that is just plain stupid.
I cannot force it happen.
So if its there, it is there.
And if its not, well... i guess im gonna just have to deal.
So I am.
And will.
I'll be there when you least expect it.

"When We Die"

Well, I know that it's early
And it's too hard to think
And the broken empty bottles
Are reminder in the sink
But I thought that I should tell you
If it's not to late to say
I could put back all the pieces,
They just might not fit the same

Nothing's worth losing
Especially the chance to make it right

And I know that we're gonna be fine
And the tattooed mistakes
Are gonna fade over time
As long as we live, time passes by
And we won't get it back when we die

Well, I know it's been years now,
And I don't look the same
And the hopes and dreams you had for me
You thought went down the drain.
And the room feels so empty
where my pictures used to be
And I can't say that I blame you,
But you can't blame me

Cuz nothing's worth losing
Especially the chance to make it right

And I know that we're gonna be fine
And the tattooed mistakes are gonna fade over time
As long as we live, time passes by
And we won't get it back when we die

Come over
Come over

Cause I gotta know,
If I am doing this all on my own

Come over
Come over

How can I show you if you're not here

And I know that we're gonna be fine
And the tattooed mistakes
Are gonna fade over time
As long as we live, time passes by
And we won't get it back when we die

And I know that we're gonna be fine
And the tattooed mistakes
are gonna fade over time
As long as we live, time passes by
And we won't get it back when we die

Come over
Come over

Wooohooohooohaaaaawwww

I am empty today.
I was empty when i woke up, and when i drove to work.
When I got to work, Rich, Michael's old boss cussed me out and screamed at me.
He said he was going to get michael arrested.
I cried in my car for awhile.
Jasmine and Jenny are coming over tonight.
But in all honest I wish it was you, Aaron.
The you I spent all night talking with.
I know you are there somewhere.
But I cannot dig you out.
I didnt go to the windmills, it is too cold.
I cannot seem to get warm.
Im still empty now.
But I cannot seem to get you outta my head.
It was probably the dream I had of you last night.
Its just going to be one of the days you haunt me.
I have a few every week.
But its not everyday like it used to be.
I suppose you will be happy to know.
I am getting better and moving on.
I wont be here to bother you anymore.

I spent tonight at Jenny's.
We ate chinese food, and watched the Butterfly Effect.
She hadnt seen before, so i introduced her into a new way of thinking.
We had cake afterwards.
Tonight was good.
I wish I could have gone to the dodge ball game though.
One year today is the first time me and Mike ever did something together.
Crazy to think how fast time flies.
As I was driving home I saw the red flashing lights.
I think tomorrow I am going to go to the windmills.
I need to reflect.
And that place is home tome.
There are so many memories there. :)
I have to work tomorrow, and its the last thing I wanna do.
Im thinking about quitting my job because I need to be more focused on school.
My grades need to be a lot better.
Hm.
:)
I feel like a late night talk.
With anyone.

Michael is moving.
He didnt get the job at State Farm, and today may have been the last time I am going to see him in a long time, if ever, again.
I had alcohol tonight.
I downed one Mike's Hard Lemonade.
Not strong.
But still my first alcohol.
It was really good.
Had no effect on me what so ever though.
I wish it had.
I wanted to lose myself.
I loved the taste.
Today has been stressful.
I still want to lose myself.
And these feelings.

Give me something to work with.

Today everything has shifted.
Michael got a call from State Farm, and he is going into an interview on Thursday.
He might stay here.
With me.
And I am holding my breath and praying.
This could be what we both need.
Im waiting for things to fall apart or stick together.

You are killing me.
I know you dont mean to, or maybe you do.
But you are ripping every last bit of sanity I have.
Im trying so very very hard not to let myself feel any love towards you.
But i've been trying that for almost 3 years.
When ever I care about you and show it, you get pissed.
But when I go away, you come after me.
I dont understand you.
I dont know what you are doing.
And Im trying really hard not to care.
I feel like you are playing mind games with me.
If you wanna talk to me, then do it.
Dont dance around between ignore and talk.
But dont expect me to be very talkative back.
Im dealing with a lot of shit right now.
And its just getting harder.
But Im always listening.
And watching.
And what the fuck is "You should look up" supposed to mean?

Today was pretty good.
Im frozen solid because i had to take about 7 trash bags to the curb... and it took me awhile.
Tomorrow is going to be a cleavage day... just so I will feel better about myself.
I guess i am ridiculous considering dressing like a slut makes me feel beautiful.
Im twisted.
Maybe I should find some way to fix my head.

You know..
I realize that im not a perfect person.
And that people get fed up with me a lot.
Im unpredictable, and annoying.
And im not going to find someone who is going to be willing to handle that everyday for the rest of his life.
Seriously....
Am I really going to find a guy who:
1- Loves the night as much as me.
2- Understands my emotional issues, and accepts them
3- Doesnt smoke, or drink
4- Wont cheat on me
5- Keeps me interested
6- Believes in marriage
7- Likes the same music as me
8- Art fanatic
9- Is accepted by Jenny.
10- GIVES ME SPACE ... i guess thats the biggest one.

I think im too demanding.
But Im not gonna settle anymore.
I hate having my heart broken..
but "If you trust no one you will not get hurt, but you will never be loved."
Never heard a truer statement.
I guess I want to find someone I cant stand to be away from.
Butterflies would be good too, but I know it doesnt work with everyone.
hm.
I guess im a love fanatic.
But Im done searching... ill let him find me.
The mystery will be intriguing
And maybe it will be Michael.
Because he makes me :)
And he cares to not hurt me.



I'm carried away by the smile in your eyes,
Blue to green shades made me realize,
That maybe this will be alright,
And that you are not looking for a fight,
You whispered words of the wind scarred sea,
And I wondered how you knew these parts of me,
Each dream you take from me and set alight,
Bringing to me tear after tear of pure delight,
I'm sorry I have been so sadly blind,
Cuz I've just looked past eyes so kind,
I ran through places of you told me naught,
My curiosity is the reason we always faught,
I wondered just maybe there was something more,
And i left you waiting at this door,
You were scared to shut it closed,
And leave me alone in a world so cold,
And darling I slammed the door in your face,
Your pain has scarred and marked my disgrace,
And my pin stripped thighs are a symbol of regret,
I hate that I never considered you in this concept,
But opening up I realize you are long gone,
I left you alone for far far too long,
And I have received everything that I deserve,
Because I could never find a way to preserve,
The love we felt is still buried inside,
And I swear to you it will never die,
But I understand that you must move on,
Because I left you alone for far too long.

Two posts in one day... haha CRAZY!
hmm..
Today has slowly gotten better.
I was supposed to clean today, but just let the day shift by.
I watched hercules and fell asleep on the couch, and then played gamecube for awhile.
Im now in my room watching the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
An incredibly depressing movie.
Im killing time waiting for it to load.
I feel like watching V for Vendetta or Keith.
But i probably wont.

Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I can already feel it.

I still hate humanity.
And I still cannot wait to get outta here.
i feel like life is calling to me,
but im stuck being useless here.
like honestly
Jenny is the only one who is really gonna give a shit.
Michael will at first but then he'll move on.
Guys tend to do that.
I hate that i finally realized that I really have one friend.
Aaron doesnt give a shit.
I have one person.
And she doesnt even really know me.
She knows what I feel when I cry.
And she knows what pain boys have put me through.
But she doesnt know my dreams.
or my fears.

I am alone.
I wish I had a companion to hold.
And to trust.
Not trusting anyone.. is misery.
I cannot hold all of this that i have.
Im spilling.
I pray for salvation.
Because its all Ive got.

I woke up at 8 this morning... aka fuck my life.
I watched He's Just Not That Into You this morning and wow... heh.
I guess me entire life I have done nothing but settled with what I have been given.
Maybe I should strive.
Eh.

I feel extremely apathetic.
But I cannot wait to get outta here.
Honestly Im most likely gonna cut ALL connections that I have.
I do better off alone.
I dont like to be close to anyone... well thats a lie, id love to be close to someone.
But I have yet to find someone who accepts me as I am.
Its all bullshit anyways.
To everyone life is just a game.
Im fed up with it.
Im leaving this place...
I havent decided if its with a car or a bullet.
Im fucking sick of all this shit.
I KNOW there has to be someone out there that actually LIKES me for who I am.

Michael claims to love me.
But all he does is try to change me.
Hes leaving in 11 days anyways.
Monday is his birthday.
Im baking a cake today.
I cant bake though.
So fuck.

Im so filled with hate.
Its all I feel anymore.
I suppose Im just waiting for someone to give me a reason to smile.
But I cant find that someone.
maybe I should stop waiting and take life in my own hands
But i cant fucking figure out how.

Things are on the brink of change.
A million scattered thoughts in a million different directions.
i have to find the way to bring them all together.
I am ready to let go of everything I've held on to for so long.
I am ready to grow up.
But yet im consumed by an emptyness, and a doubt.
Im scared shitless.
But I suppose thats normal and doesnt matter in the end.
Because this one moment in time is just one small part of a flash that is this year.
This moment holds no significance to my lifetime, and nothing stands out.
I will not remember this.
And it means nothing.
Just as my life will mean nothing when I move on.
I have stretched and reached out.
But I know naught whether I have touch the lives of any one.
I pray I have made a difference in someone.
Changed the way they think.
But its futile to just hope.
I will never know and so the plauging thoughts will no longer consume me.
I have found emotions to be missing lately.
I go through my day to day routine.
I scream and laugh in all the right places.
Insert funny stories, and gossip.
But I dont remember any of it.
I suppose im finally clicking into who i am.
And while im faking my life, my mind is off laying under the stars.
Dreaming up wishing to last my lifetime.
Deep blue with a touch of indigo, sparkled with some lifelines of light. Some fading into the distance and some bright. Each holding a dream, or a wish of a child. Each one a small mark in beauty and perfection.
Just one place we all can belong. And one place where we are all vulnerable.
My home.
The night sky.
My one calling.

I just got home from the band concert.
It sucked.
Like always lol.

Anywho.
Today was just one of those days that doesnt make much sense.
i suppose its my emotions that are unraveling though.
Im kinda fucked.
I cannot eat anything solid.
Im stuck with soup.
And it sucks.
Im so hungry.
But I cannot eat.
And yet im gaining weight.
Im so fuckign confused on what my body is doing.
It doesnt make any sense.
Neither does life really.
But i guess thats how it goes.

I cannot wait to graduate.
And just get outta here.
Well.. i guess im only going two blocks away.
But those two blocks are gonna be heaven compared to this shit hole.
Im leaving everything behind.
except Jenny.
Shes really all Ive got.
With Michael going into the National Guard.
And Aaron well.. being Aaron.
Ive got her.
I guess this has proved who my friends really are.
And Im blessed to have her.
Im a loner though.
I and i prefer to be by myself.
I wish my dream would come true.
Im waiting for it.
Ill know when whoever he is takes me hand and just leads me to a night sky.
Just us.
And the warm night, and blazing stars.
That is where my heart is.
And no one can have it until I find where I belong.
So.
Fuck love :D

Hm.
So Aaron.
I think you are full of absolute bullshit :D
As you think I am as well.
So Im done with you.
For good.
But Im not gonna be a liar.
So. I WILL be here if you need a friend.
You just have to call.
Because even if you dont consider me a friend,
I still consider you one.
And it will always be that way.
because our relationship is not gonna just disappear after one disagreement.
You know I dont understand.
You told me nothing would ever happen between us.
And you know me.
You know Im not just gonna screw you with no possiblity of anything at all.
I wasnt going to make the whole friends with benifts mistake thing twice.
So i moved on.'Sorry it hurt you that I went with Michael.
But it was my way of getting rid of any loveing emotions towards you.
Because as you said, that wasnt what you wanted.
But whatever.
i dont really even think you are going to read this.
And I dont really even think you care.
And that is YOUR choice.
I am NOT trying to get with you.
Heh.
Ive learned me lesson.
This is what like the 5th time weve/ I have tried to make this happen.
Its not going to.
Unless by some miracle down the road we both grow up and run into each other.
And you arent still mad.
haha.
><
But yeah.
Thats all I gotta say.
Peace yo.
Im still here.